Tim Warner

Real. Flawed. Comedy.

Chapter 3, pp. 30 – 33

I have to keep in mind, this journal is going to be an ever evolving process. I have made a number of attempts in the past but have never maintained the habit. Don’t know if this time will be any different. I guess I’ll see.

I just asked myself, “what makes this attempt any different?” That’s a good question. I’m 41 that doesn’t matter that much, it’s like low impact on a credit score of my life. Thought I’d be farther. I see how much I hold myself back. I’m tired of it. Don’t know how I got here, through the years, but here I am. Now, it’s not bad, I’ve been a lot worse off. It’s just not where I thought I would be when I was dreaming, fantasizing, in my early twenties. Here’s what I know, If I am truly fortunate, I have half of my life left.

The last six years of my life have been a waste, overall. There have been moments of amazement & joy but the overall record is like the Cleveland Browns. Mostly because I have been going in & out of drinking cycles. Don’t drink for six months. Drink like Nick Cage in Leaving Las Vegas for six months. Repeat. For what I want with my life it’s either drink & honestly live like this for the rest of my life or at least, be confident with who I am. There’s no meeting in the middle. It’s either one or the other. So here I go, one more time. Today is Day 40. Six weeks towards the rest of my life. I know I have said the same ilk prior but the good news is I am not my past. Today I can act different than yesterday. Tomorrow I can act different than yesterday. So on & so forth & all of a sudden I an upgraded version of myself. Just know what I want to be & I won’t be wrong.

Yesterday I came up with nineteen goals for the month of September. Nineteen things that would make me feel really good on October first. It really gave me evidence that I can be anyone I want to be. My example, I can be the same as I am now or I can be upgraded me, which creates two different journeys. If I put in the work I can create a better tomorrow. It’s all on me. I have the ability. I have the tools. There are no excuses. There is either a desire or a lack thereof. I will see if I have the desire. One way to have the desire is to visualize the outcomes I want to obtain. Picture my life having them. Acquire the feeling of having them. Every game envision the Superbowl.

I would like to see where this goes but I won’t get excited until I have an entry for every day in September.

Yesterday I mentioned I came up with nineteen goals for the month of September. This is something I plan on executing every month. Every month I am going to try to come up with at least twenty goals. This has excited me for the first time in a long time, I’m talking years, at least five. With quitting alcohol & cutting back on weed, this gives me other objectives to concentrate & focus on instead of drinking & smoking & accomplishing very, very little. I am a big fan of creating monthly goals. It’s made me see how valuable & useful time can be.

I have set goals before but what makes this different than times before? One thing that I did this time is I wrote out outcomes for each goal, or I should say the outcome for September if I accomplished every goal. Who I would be on October first? Where I would be with my life? How I would feel, see & touch on October first? All of this gave me a bolt of positive energy, a smile to my soul. Thinking about the outcome has assisted me with creating goals for the next year. Writing the outcomes for my yearly goals truly showed me a life that I could live compared to the life I am living now. It is a tremendous difference. Keeping focus on how my life will be on October first is a huge motivating factor for me. It equates to a better life, more independence, more freedom, more opportunities, a greater journey. I will be on a better trajectory. I am on a better trajectory. One day at a time. One moment at a time. The challenge is, I have to accomplish these goals. Something that I haven’t been the best at in the past.

Right now is the funniest part. I have the momentum of decisions, the pink cloud if you will. It’s maintaining this every day that is the biggest challenge. Example, I haven’t worked out once yet. I can’t miss another day for the rest of the month. The good news is all nineteen goals are not money related, they are all things that I can do for free, except for paying bills. The only thing my goals cost me is time. Since that time is positively productive, it’s not really a cost as much as it’s an investment. Also, I feel this time I am doing everything for me, being one hundred percent selfish. I am solely focused on being happier & more fulfilled with my life. Nothing else matters. I want to be in a better position tomorrow than I am today. Fuck yesterday. They’re lessons, or better yet instructions, on how to make tomorrow more successful. This is all on me. Now one else to blame. No other excuses. If I am unhappy October first it’s because of things I haven’t done, not what has been done to me.

Something that has been running through my mind the last 2 weeks is going to be addressed today. How do I explain this? Long story short I binged season six of Wonder Years. Wonder Years always brings me back to my first love, Moray. Even seeing that name brings a feel warmth, joy & a smile to my face. After the last episode of Wonder Years I thought about the first time we met. Now, maybe I always have & this time I am being aware, I don’t know. I could picture the whole interaction, the whole experience, vividly, in detail. I could picture that Smith’s in Minoa, the hill, Gary McCarthy being pulled over, seeing Tim Owen’s sister Danielle & Moray, getting out of the car while the cop was talking to Gary, talking to Moray, yellow shirt & daisy dukes, her dimple on her thigh, her smile & laugh. For that nine months that we were together, as a couple, that girl was gonzo about me. I broke things off with her. I can’t remember specifically what I said, but I guarantee this, it was a lie. That was nineteen ninety four. There’s nothing I can do now & I don’t want to live with regret. It was for the best. She moved to Virginia. Meet the love of her life. Moray’s like a scholar & a humanitarian now, upper class. Regardless, for the rest of my life I will be chasing Moray.

That’s not why I wanted to address this. Well, partially. The significance of this is I remember who I was, like watching myself talk to Moray, flirt. I don’t know if it was confidence, I may have been too young to grasp that, but I was sure of myself. Mostly, I was sure of my future. I believed in me. After a back & forth with myself, came the answer that hit me: “Why wouldn’t she like me there was so much about me.” There was! That’s when I realized I have become boring. That’s why I have little energy & excitement. Back then I was doing things I liked exploring. It’s a shame I don’t own a guitar. Something to fuck with & learn old 90’s songs that I loved from nineteen eighty nine to nineteen ninety four. That’s why I was able to share nine months with Moray, I was open for it. My energy was right with my Universe. I was content with me. I wasn’t trying to be somebody or something else. That’s side of my personality that I think a decade or so of negative thinking & hanging with not where I want to be. I have developed negative thoughts & a negative mindset. This process is my attempt to resurrect those sides of myself. That’s my goal. Not the things that come with it. I resurrect Warner. They will come.

I didn’t write an entry yesterday but I am not discouraged. I have a somewhat worthy reason. A new project became available with my job & I was asked to work a double Tuesday from four pm to eight Wednesday morning. I said I was gonna journal at work, I didn’t. I did plow through a quarter of the book I’m reading, I’m Dying Up Here.

I don’t know if it was because I’ve been watching a few episodes of My Name is Earl, but I felt, the last two days, was the Universe rewarding me for what I have been doing the last 6 weeks. I was being slightly bummed that I wasn’t going to be able to keep $650 in my savings. Then I get hit with sixteen hours, no workers around, a dollar more than I’ve been making. During my shift, I received seventeen more hours when the schedule came out for that location. This morning I was asked to cover a coworkers shift & got eight more hours. I went from eleven hours for this pay period, $176, to forty-one more hours, an increase of $697. Now I am hoping this streak continues for at least 2 more weeks. I’ll find out my schedule this weekend. I have such an opportunity to get a majority of my financial life taken care of & raise that credit score to hopefully 650. I’ll find out a lot of that next week.

I need to keep the optimistic & opportunist mindset I have formulating up in my dome. I really am looking forward to the future for the first time in a while. I feel like I have the eyes & smile when I was a teenager & my whole life was ahead of me. There is no reason why I can’t accomplish my wants, desires, goals & dreams. There would be only excuses explaining why I chose not to take action. I feel every day I am gaining more & more momentum, at an increasingly substantial pace. But I still need to keep digging deep down inside of my being & grab more. I need to start working towards accomplishing some of these other goals I have for September. I am secure with what I have accomplished in these last five days. I am definitely on a better track than I was 6 weeks ago. That is & must be the most important thing for me, forever.

Currently I’m in between shifts. I rather write this earlier in the day, but writing in the environment at work today just wasn’t the best for focus. Also, I really wanted to write this high. I guess I can’t win them all. Accomplished my third goal today. I completed I’m Dying Up Here. Good book. It was mostly about the Comedian strike in the late nineteen seventies. Altered my perspective on a few comics I enjoyed while growing up. Other than marking another goal off the list, it’s nice to acquire knowledge, especially about a field I have a deep rooted passion for. It’s nice to have something new to talk about it, if the conversation allows. It could mostly be used for when people ask me, “What have you been up to?” I can now say I just read I’m Dying Up Here. It was 268 pages & I went through it in five days. Probably like twelve hours, give or take two hours. I have five days in a month. I have twelve hours within a month to devote to reading. I’ll really like it when I have six books under my belt. This month I’m just going to do the one. October I may do two, if time allows.

This also goes with my idea of resurrecting old school Warner. I’m adding flavors to my palate. Making myself more than the next person. Think about how many people haven’t read a book this month. This, this right here, is more evidence that shows how the little things add up to bigger sums. I have been thinking about buying a cheap acoustic, to have something to strum & enhance my ability with a guitar. If not, I’ll definitely get one for myself for Christmas. Just another way for me to utilize my time instead of waste it. I like this. I’m not a Stanhope. Well, maybe, but I am not my best Tim Warner, when I’m hammered every day.

This is also more proof that what I am attempting to do is producing a better Universe for me to live in. The positive side to insanity. Think about when I accomplish all these goals how I will feel & think in October, if this how I feel now. I’m enjoying this. This is like when the hero is preparing to come back & overcome their nemesis. Grabbing weapons, training,… preparing to overcome the odds & succeed. I need to continue to be selfish, stay focused & continue to dig deeper. This will get me to choose happiness more often & with minimal effort. I must get past my old me to get to my new me.

I missed yesterday. Honestly I could have done it, but I used all the hours I worked yesterday as my excuse. I got to at least get journaling at work. It would save me time for when I am outside of work. Big week coming up. This is what I should be getting done, maintain savings, edit special, start working out(five days at least), record two podcast episodes, alcohol free for seven days, cigarette free for seven days, volunteer one day, & seven journal entries. That would be a great week & a week I can accomplish & manifest into reality.

I think the habits I am creating, I like rituals better, the rituals I am creating are creating the person I have always been, my pure self, or at least a purer version of myself. I enjoy reading over these entries & I can imagine I will more & more. I don’t know what it is, clarity comes with time, I feel better. How can I explain? I don’t know If I am more confident or more sure of my journey. I can’t say a purpose per se, but there is a calmness with creating. Be it a journal entry, notes for a book, premise ideas, playing music, the life I want, the road I want to travel, the person I am & chose to be. Regardless, I am enjoying the internal metamorphosis that I am involved with more & more as the days continue.

I don’t want to admit this because it has only been a week & there are a few goals that I haven’t started on. I am not being one hundred ten percent with myself. But I can understand the idea of how your internal view affects your outside Universe. I guess I say this with excitement or anticipation or both. I like the direction I am going in, I like having a direction. I feel as if I am giving myself a more concise definition to who I am. Which is a loaded question in & of itself. Stay with this, my future is brighter than I think. You’ll see when you stay with this.

I am truly excited about what this week has to offer but I have started if off lazy as fuck. The fact that I am writing this, right now, is huge. The alternating work hours & the fact I refuse to buy a metro card until I receive my next paycheck has me more tired than usual. But this is good, writing a journal entry. I’m letting myself down but I am not. I am getting things accomplished & moving in a more productive & positive direction, one hundred percent. I am, however, procrastinating on a few things & it’s bothering me. Yet, not enough for me to do anything about it.

Not working out is on my mind a lot. But then when it’s time to workout I talk myself out of it. I got to find a way to make it a part of myself. The same with meditating, editing the special, studying for the F60 exam, volunteering, podcast episodes, marijuana free, first draft chapter one. I am hoping to have a different tune by the end of the week. I see how hoping is the wrong word in that sentence. The word should be demanding. I should be demanding a different tune by the end of the week, actually, by tomorrow. That’s the truth.

I just have to do it. LIke stopping drinking, eating regularly(somewhat) & journal entries, I had to make the decision. The rewards have been astronomical. I really like where I am at. My communication comes from a better place. Fuck it. I’m going to take a moment & write the outcome of my week if I accomplish these goals. On September fifteenth, I will have: one(1) hundred dollar bill in my pocket, phone bill paid off, capone paid, raised credit score, one thousand dollars in savings, groceries, a metro card, money for the following weeks metro card & groceries, better looking & operating physique, two podcast episodes out on youtube & itunes, the feedback from the episodes(even if it is just one person), better sense of myself, some more clarity, I will have gotten more things accomplished & more enthusiasm about myself, my life & the direction everything is going. Most importantly it will be only half way through the month. That’s just the tip of the iceberg; just the beginning. SO let’s do this. Let’s have something about moving forward with this for tomorrow’s entry. I am being great but I have more great to be.

I think this might be the reason I haven’t kept up with a journal. I feel like I have nothing to say nothing, to contribute to the morning. This time notice, here I am. I do have this understanding in the back of my head that I am going to write this for thirty minutesish & by then I’ll have a whole day journaled, organized & everything.

I am going to make a true attempt to record a podcast episode after I write this. Hoping to have that done before I go to work. I came close yesterday. It is funny how I think my podcast is a good idea & it would do some good for some listeners but once I get to recording I hate everything about it. Well not hate but I think it’s dumb. It’s not doubt, just it’s fucking dumb, kinda sad &/or pathetic. Once the recording stops I go back to thinking it’s a great idea. I just have to do it & let it suck for now & allow myself the freedom to let it grow. I’m not nervous about sticking to my goals. I guess I’m nervous about looking like a fool, but keep this in mind perhaps, I’m not looking like a fool to myself.

I have to admit I like the person I am now more, compared to the person I was being seven weeks ago. It takes strength & courage to admit that I fucked up & I am going to attempt this again because I am worth it. This podcast in a sense, is like this journal, it’s documentation of my journey. This time set a purpose & commit to it, one hundred & twenty percent. That’s not a fool. It’s easier to show when you have it all together. It takes valiant character to show yourself at the bottom; before rising above. It does put me in a vulnerable position, but I am. Tim, if anyone can take it, I can. (Remember that kid) I forget, I am a natural leader. Go lead for once. Be an inspiration. Stop listening to the five excuses. I have a billion positive, right reasons to do this podcast. It’s more than Comedy. Let’s get one in the can. & keep them coming. I would look like more of the fool doing nothing.

At the end of the day I know deep down I would love to create this. Remember, this podcast is for me & only me. I’m talking for myself. This isn’t for anyone else to listen to really. It’s for me. Just ok with being me, people will Thank Me more for that than anything else with my life. Trust. Seriously, literally do it for me. Like this journal. This is for me, to benefit me by keeping notes/ tabs on my mindset, focus & to propel me to where I want to be. The podcast will only truly be pathetic if I go back to my negative, old habits & patterns. Don’t doubt, move forward, blinders. New Me, New Me, New me.

It seems that it has taken fifty days. Since my last drink, this is the first day in which I am questioning everything. The usual: Do I want to do this anymore? Do I really want to pursue Comedy? Why don’t I move? What am I doing with my life? That small fantasy of leaving NYC in the middle of the night & moving to a weed friendly state. I have this overall feeling that this pursuit is fucking pointless. My main concern with this is, I don’t know why I am feeling this way.

Here’s what I know: I am a better version of myself when I am not drinking, I have been feeling better about myself & my life, I am moving in a more worthwhile direction, I feel more secure in my skin. I know all these things(& then some). I mean, shit, yesterday, It took me a majority of my work shift but I created a podcast page that, I don’t know if I’m proud of it, but I don’t hate it. Look, I know for a fact that everything within my power is on the up & up. That is why I don’t understand why these thoughts are coming to me now.

I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. I guess I bet on the later. Here’s what’s crazy, I just discovered Tool is now available on Spotify & my world just shifted to a better place. The only thing I can really think would be a good reason for this is because in the back of my head, I’m itching to get back into Comedy on the regular. I will tell me this, if I can find a way to pursue My Comedy instead of Comedy, if I didn’t give a shit about making it or even expecting an outcome, I would be a beast. I would be Comedically bulletproof. But that’s all I can think. This may be the longest I’ve gone without getting on stage two days in a row. I think now, with where I am financially, it’s time to jump back in. So I would encourage myself, to work on that mindset & focus & make it happen. Write. Create & most importantly make it fun. Like when I first got on stage at Viva Debris in Syracuse. I didn’t care about killing or not, I was just having fun. Let’s get back to that. The opportunity is there for me to grab. Remember Tim, one year. Give it one year.

No one is watching. I need to create with this engraved in my head. No one is watching. I am really getting some perspective on how doing this for myself is the way to go. How would I want to be entertained? Or for that matter, what can I create & create it? No one is watching. I am seeing how much I do, especially when it comes to Comedy, care what other people think. There is a little voice that kinda questions like, people may not like that, I think they’ll like this, I shouldn’t say that, etc. I should do it because it’s so much fun.

Now granted, being a Comedian isn’t as romanticized in my head as it was when I was starting out. Ok. I should take time to focus on the aspects I Appreciate about Comedy now. The constant movement, not being in the same place for too long is something that excites me. Everything I do should be to put me in a good mood. That’s the philosophy I must go with. Everything I do makes me happy & productive. If it doesn’t toss it. Seriously, how much fun is it to accomplish things? Right? It’s nice. Write. The one thing that recording my podcast, a couple of nights ago, showed me was that by putting that extra work, organizing my thoughts, kinda memorizing it(which influenced the flow positively) & being satisfied with the result, I could see the minimal it takes to create that kind of podcast. I need to transfer a number of these patterns I see developing into other aspects.

I look forward to a journal entry now. In the least, it’s somewhere I can just dump shit. There’s comfort in that. It helps me build strategies. I have a feeling with any goals I pursue, at two weeks give or take, I will begin to look forward to that process. Fourteen days. I start to work out, fourteen days, I’ll have enthusiasm for working out every day. Same with meditation, weed, podcast, editing, the book, all of it. Again that planning I did for the podcast episode is what I need to do for every episode & my material. I plan an hour a day, I should say this, put this here, try this, oh I like that line, etc would enhance my act one hundred percent. All the little things that make people pay attention.

After what feels like a stagnant week, I am progressing forward with my goal list. I have an orientation today for volunteer work. I may just go to one on Saturday in Astoria. Starting this Sunday I must insert into my daily routine: meditation, working out & be without weed for the rest of the month. I have a rough outline for the next podcast that I need done by the end of the weekend. While I am at work the next two days I am going to edit my fucking special & submit it to Jon. That all adds up to a real good week.

Daunting, huh? I know. But it’s not impossible. Here’s what I need to picture: Goal list Monday morning will have six of nineteen goals accomplished with ten goals progressing towards accomplishments. That will be a rewarding feeling, looking at my board & those goals marked. That’s what I have to keep in mind, that rewarding feeling. That rewarding feeling is self esteem my friend. It improves my approach in life. I also need to picture who & where I will be on October first. Don’t forget that. I still have time to be a majority of what I envisioned fourteen days ago. There’s plenty of time, eighteen more days in fact.

I love the characteristics that this is teaching me. I’m embracing the process. I’m slowly learning how to celebrate the little victories. I have never been a person that has patted myself on the back until I’ve accomplished everything. Which may be a big reason I don’t follow through on most projects. But, take this month for example, I have taken moments to say good job. I have recognized those moments & used them as momentum towards the next task(s). I’m learning patience. It’s still not one of my strong suits but I am getting stronger & stronger with it every day. I’m seeing the work, hence I’m seeing results, improvement, most importantly production. I see me slowly becoming more of who I am, by focusing on what I want, I see who I need to be. So with this big weekend in mind, keep moving forward. I am really being great. I see things happening for me.

You know what? I would say this has been a pretty good month. I released an episode of my podcast & will do two more in the coming week. I became eligible for volunteer work. I read a book. I haven’t had a sip of alcohol or a drag of a cigarette. I got rent for October. I paid my CapOne & then some. Tmobile paid. I am going to maintain my savings. & this is my twelfth journal entry. Not too bad. I definitely feel better than I did 2 weeks ago, 8 weeks ago.

When I say I am feeling better what I mean is, my energy/aura feels lighter & more positive. I do not feel this weight of, I don’t know, sadness, hopelessness, maybe, desperation is the better word here. There’s no trying to become anything more than what I am. I’m not proving anything to anybody. I am just trying to do what makes me happy & it’s beginning to show.

That weight could also be the things that were hanging over my head. It feels good to accomplish things & have them done. It speeds up the process of moving on to the next task or the next step. I have more ahead & tougher goals to conquer. Actually volunteering, finishing part one of editing, recording three more podcast episodes, sixteen days of working out, meditation & no weed, accumulating the money to pay off my BoA Visa in October, passing my F60 exam & completing first draft of chapter one are what’s left. Imagine having all of this done. The person I will be. Where I will be at. I’m looking forward to it. Head up. Plow ahead.

Tonight officially starts the second half of September & I am enthralled with who I am becoming. Allow me to take a moment & describe what I mean. I have a podcast. I am a podcaster. Sure there’s a billion or so, but so what?! So am I. So there. I can volunteer. I am a volunteer. If there’s a billion the world could use a billion more. I am studying for my F60 exam. I am a fire guard. I also perform Comedy when I can. I am a Comedian. I read at least one book a month. I am a reader. I am working on a book & I ritually journal every day. I am a writer. I am taking care of myself: I don’t drink or smoke, I eat a somewhat balanced diet, I shower & shave regularly & I am getting 3D whitestrips in October. Most of this has been within this month.

I am enjoying creating the podcast at the moment. Last night was a little longer than I wanted but it’s done. I like the idea that I’m not putting out there for views & that is really going to pay off. This is for me. Last night proved it. It took longer because I was being honest about this set up, which is a lot to go over.(twenty eight minutes longest podcast yet) It’s kinda like a win in week one of a NFL season(Go Raiders!) Big win. I am walking in the “not going winless” direction. Which is a good direction to move towards, it’s better than the alternative. I do enjoy chronicling this & will probably enjoy it more in the future looking back. Like wow. Started at the bottom. Now let’s get here.

I am definitely getting a daily itch for Comedy. There’s moments throughout a day I’ll think about somewhere just to get up. The podcast. I make myself laugh, I take the time to get what I said & I’m going to try it, work it out. Some of it I actually like. But I think I’m tease myself. Comedy tease myself. I’m going to make myself wait until October, just so the Appreciation & gratitude can build up. Record that! In some capacity if not all & never lose it again. Build it higher.

I am alcohol & cigarette free. I am a Comedian. I am a podcaster. I am a writer. I am a reader. I am a volunteer. I work as a Fire Guard.

This is the latest entry I have done to date. I stalled until the last minute. I didn’t really want to write this. But now that I am typing this, I’m glad I am. I had a morning to myself. First let me describe last night because I think it’s somewhat significant. I worked a double & slept until Sunday night 730ish. Within two hours I was asked if I wanted to pick up an extra shift at work & spots on two Comedy shows.(So maybe I will get a private video) The reason I bring this up is because I feel like it’s My Name is Earlish. What I mean by that is the more I work towards achieving my goals, the more it seems the Universe works in my favor. Also, by saying yes to things I am creating more opportunities.

I left work this morning & went to the station I usually hop at & there was a cop there. I felt like walking anyway. I walked to 42 st & paid for a ride there. On my way, I mosied around the city. I strolled through Washington Square Park & a guy was playing saxophone. I sat there, silently, for thirty or so minutes, soaking it all in. The women that were out were all so, so beautiful. It was great. I walked by NYCC & that made me feel something, like a lost friend I haven’t seen.(maybe it was vice versa) Then I slept.

This is a real good sign of things that I forced myself to write anything for this entry. I just didn’t want to do it. No reason other than the last few days with my work hours. Yes I am tired but I think it is a little more lazy than tired. The fact that I did this shows me that once I start something I commit to it. I don’t want to be where I have been. Later when I read this through all of this I will remember this moment & be thankful that I plowed through. I did have a great morning to myself. It was great. It was a thank you to me. I am grateful for it. I am really looking forward to what this week has to offer & grateful for whatever comes my way.

This morning, I volunteered for the first time. It was great. We bagged a bunch of food for the less fortunate. I feel great. I can’t wait to volunteer with City Harvest this Thursday. I am so glad I added to this to my goals. This action, this newly acquired ritual, is an adrenaline shot of self esteem, self confidence & self pride. Yeah, I just feel really good I did that. In the coming months I’m going to start giving a monthly donation of thirty five dollars to City Harvest. That donation would feed one hundred & twenty nine people every month. This is well worth it. I should do this eight times a month. That would equate to twenty four hours every month. One day every month.

Overall I feel better about who I am than I did fifty seven days ago. I still have the haunting understanding that all could change & go away like that! All it would take is one drink. As I sat here & contemplated that idea, that path. Because it would be a path. To gather the money, go to the store, grab the item(s), pay for them, walk back & drink one, then drink another. I don’t see anything appealing about walking that road again. That’s not the brand of me that I want to represent. What I am doing is really good. I can’t describe what makes me believe differently this time, I just believe. I feel this is that shift in the movie. I really do.

My new daily rituals are good, but it’s too early to tell. I don’t like no weed but I feel I will grow an appreciation for it over time. I don’t know if I am doing meditation right. I sit for fifteen minutes & concentrate on my breathing, nothing else, with some music. I see how over time doing this regularly could be a component to a peaceful mindset. Working out is a pain in the ass but I am proud when it’s done. It’s not hard(even though I am not as strong as I want to be) it’s just doing it. I won’t see results for a while. Again, I will garner an appreciation with time.

I can really start to see what I did in the beginning of the month. By writing the outcomes from my goals & visualizing the person I could be on October first. Now becoming much of that person & being able to compare myself to who I was eighteen days ago, is a postive, minor, little brain fuck. Its taking some getting used to but I am beginning to see my Universe shifting, towards who I am & who I want to be.

These hours are breaking me out of my game slightly. I can’t really be as consistent as I would like to be. I just found an old set of mine back in December 2013 & it is still relevant in 2019. When I get home tonight I am going to upload it & go from there. I got a spot in Jersey City, NJ tonight & it would be amazing to get a tape out of it. I seem to be gaining some momentum so there is no reason why it can’t get a good tape.

I got a haircut today & it made me realize the last time I got a haircut was sixty two days ago(six days before I quit drinking.) It just made me think about how much I have done in that time span. It was great to think. I can’t wait to get to the point where what I have done this month ain’t nothing compared to what I will be accomplishing one year from now. I look great. I feel great & now I want to take a shower & head on out to Jersey.

The show last night was a bust. I had a hunch it would be but I was hoping for the best. I don’t even want to waste time griping about it, so I’ll leave it at that. I still have to upload that video. It will be done before I go to sleep. I just have to post it for me. I’ll put it on the FB & Twitter. No caption. Let the Youtube title & description speak for the view. Let the Comedy speak for itself. I’ll figure it out. I have confidence in that. Also, who cares?!

I love this notion of not even thinking about an audience/what people think. Easier typed than done. Example, this video. I like it. It should be a part of my Youtube library. I want to title it appropriately, meaning, a title I like, not a title I think will attract views. More of what will attract me. I like that.

I am stalling on this editing for my special. I need to do it at work Saturday. That’s it. Post a podcast in the next twenty four hours & edit my special at work Saturday. I’ve got to just do it. Watch. Note. Edit. repeat. Then it will be over. I move a huge step in the right direction & no longer have it hanging over my head or lurking behind me. I must promise this to myself. Upload video. Post podcast. Edit special. Study F60 Exam.

I am uploading a podcast episode as I type. During my double at work I am going to get everything together for editing. Then the F60 exam & chapter one. I will do it because I find fulfilment with uploading that Yoga set & posting podcast episodes. Moving forward. Beginning to understand it’s an every moment thing. Not just when I want to. Every moment.

I’m finding a system. A system that works for me. I do feel as if I got a new GM & a new head coach. Both of which are implementing a culture within my life, within myself. My personality has changed. Even if it’s just one percent, it has changed. I have changed. As I said on the podcast today, changing is easy, maintaining is the hard part. There is a difference between, I’m not going to have a drink & I’m a non drinker. It’s two totally different mindsets. I have to maintain this definition of myself. That shall be easy because I love who I am being, who I am expressing. I do & can feel that I like myself more today than I did yesterday.

I am truly glad I pursued this. My gratitude will come in the form of never turning back. I can see my Universe is altered. I can see my thoughts are altered. I can see my focus has been altered. I can see my motivation has been altered. It’s truly remarkable. It’s one of those things that if you were to have said to me, I will see proof of the law of attraction affecting my life if I do fifteen things for ninety days, I would have believed you, but not committed to the project. But believing it made me see it & seeing it makes me believe in it. I just feel so good. So centered. It feels like I’m contributing instead of just existing. Maintaining is the hardest part.

It’s easier than I can imagine. Life. Everything is difficult when you think it’s impossible. Today was the first day where I had long periods of a lack of confidence. I can’t explain why really. The only thing I can think is sobriety, public. I mean, there were so many beautiful women & I just put my head down & thought to myself, someday, just not today. Then a lesson was showed to me. One of the drug kids around the Pear went up to this beautiful women, who happened to be smoking a cigarette at the time. He asked her if he could have a light? She went to look through her purse but his cigarette was already lit. He laughed, “Just playing.” She laughed too. That’s when it hit me. Be slightly humorous & confident, the rest is yours. Granted, easier said than done, but not impossible.

It’s simple. I can be like that. Especially when I’m taking care of my shit & creating a life where it’s easier to choose happiness throughout a day. I can understand the idea of not taking things personally. I know I have added smile when eye contact is made to my goals in October but I should also add approach women. I can’t necessarily add dating or a relationship to my life right now, but it is good to work that muscle & meet new people. Again man, Moray, man, Moray. I feel as if the opportunity makes itself available, don’t shy away. Please keep in mind, I have a lot on my plate at the moment & women are probably the last thing I need. Also, it is extremely more simple than I have ever made it out to be.

There is no reason why I shouldn’t have my head up. I’m not just existing, I am contributing. I am evolving & expanding, not just as a human, but as the universal energy we all are. Anyone would be so lucky to have me let them into my life & share this simulation. I need more to do but the foundation that is being constructed has the potential to be exceedingly strong. Take pride that I am on my way those opportunities. The more I achieve my goals, the more the Universe works in my favor.

Somewhere along the way I lost a day. I had a crazy two days with work hours. It got me to a point where I really didn’t know what day it was/is. I added another shift of volunteer work as well. It wasn’t the best experience, but it was fine.

Today is two months without a drink or a cigarette. I acknowledged it. Now I focus on the next goal, three months. I have had some moments of intensity or anxiety with not drinking but I think that has more to do with the lack of weed than the urge to drink. I am definitely getting to the period of not drinking that will be difficult, not that I thought it would ever be easy. February first is when I feel a little more comfortable. I’m wrapping up September this week & I may not get all the goals I wanted but I have changed the culture & set an amazing foundation for October & the rest of the fourth quarter. I have little left with the special & I’m feeling better about it than I have since the hour after taping. It’s not my best set but I think we got something unique & captures an aspect of who I am. It’s something. It’s content. It’s a process. That’s where the success lies.

I am a little nervous about adding performing to my rituals but I feel I have to. I miss it. I also don’t think I can handle another month of just working on myself in solitude. But I do worry about being in the “Comedy environment.” I think if I handle it like in & out. Make my time, leave. I also has to be concentrating on other avenues, ie the book, webseries pilot, podcast, more clips, etc. I am so much farther ahead than I would have been if I was boozing. Who knows what damaged I have avoided by not boozing it up? Things to keep in mind. Evolution is a cathartic experience where every emotion must be felt & experienced in order to evolve. Now I go to St Marks. Hopefully, Mike remembers to bring his guitar for me tonight.

I have probably written this a couple of times by now but my work schedule is got me all sorts of whacked out. Lately I have to constantly remind myself what day it is. My calendar is being overused. Both of which aren’t bad things but I’m not being consistent with my daily routines. I have missed a few days(as one could tell with my journal entries) Overall, things are really good & I can feel my culture changing.

My mindset has definitely been altered since this began on September first. I have to keep in mind, however, that this doesn’t give me a reason to fall into old habits. Which is where I believe I have faltered in the past. As my habit has/is developed for the journal, for example, I see that mindset bleeding into other goals. The way I feel about my book, my special, my podcast. How I look at my other goals; it’s all manageable, it’s all possible, it’s already reality or all ready reality.

I may have mentioned this before, but I totally see how visualization can work. The law of attraction. I just reread Illusions by Richard Bach & man this time it did more than speak to me so much of it jumped out at me. There are a number of things it helped me to see. Even KRS ONE has said this in songs. I feel I used to visualize myself accomplishing things. Then it switched to visualizing things: a girl, comedy, apartment, etc. But not myself within those visions. Lately, my view of myself has expanded to a vaster horizon. Like a quarterback seeing the field. I see more now & I am making better judgements, producing better plays. It’s a wonder to me that so many ideas I have thought, believed & read about for so many years are becoming theories right before my eyes & somewhat under my nose. The energy/aura of my Universe is changing around me. Like a storm slowly leaving & creating a clearing ahead.

I got the opportunity to go to Jon’s & see what we have as a set up for our production company, Read Between the Lines Productions, LLC. It’s kind of incredible. I remember having this idea in my head over twenty years ago. Christ man, I remember when Ben Finkel made me some logos back in the day when I was attending Oswego. It’s dope. We got the top software, equipment for podcasts, voice over, we could record musicians, chroma key. Jon just texted me that we made our first sale. Someone rented a camera from us. We’re not outta debt but it’s a start. It’s a sign of the future.

Again this work schedule has got me outta wack. Tonight I’m scheduled to work midnight to five in the early evening. I picked up these two shifts because people needed their shifts covered (pussies). I got another week until I get this paycheck & I already have accumulated enough hours to have money for November’s rent. So, now I’ll take it. But I feel as if I should be getting back into the Comedian routine. I believe I have mentioned this before (It’s been on mind for the last week or so). Just get up once a day. I don’t care where.

I just got the email from Melissa Diaz so I am going to check out these links & go be on her podcast. Everything is temporary. Nothing is forever. It’s all illusions.

I am at work, still. Twelve hours down, five hours to go. I’m feeling stagnant with all these hours. It seems like I don’t have an outside life other than hearing my roommate get & be hammered, that’s my news feed. Which is why I gotta get back in it. With the haze of being all lushed up faded I can see that a Comedian is what I am. It is. I have a unique & undeniable personality. Just do it. I might even aim for two spots a night. I just have to make it effective & efficient. No waiting four hours to go anymore. Go in, get up, on to the next thing. If you’re smart & keep this mentality going The World Is Mine. The world is an illusion so all I have is perspective & belief. I’m tired. I don’t want to concentrate anymore so I’m bailing on this. I’m good. Goals are in align. October’s are coming soon. I like where I am. There’s more to come.

I have stated this before & I’ll state it again, I see/notice my Universe changing. Ideas, possibilities, opportunities, whatever one wants to call them, are appearing to me more often.
The other day I had a great idea appear to me. Go to Syracuse themed sports bars in NYC. It would be a great place to network. The tattoo alone. Are you kidding me?! Ideas, etc, like this are what I am talking about. I had an aha moment with meditation the other day. People walking behind me were perturbing me & I went to a space & just concentrated on my breath. It was amazing.

I’ve decided that I am going to get up at least once a day in October. As much as it makes me nervous my desire to perform & my desire to be a good performer will outshine my handicap. I’m starting to get hungry again. I just want to create stand up. I’m getting more of response to my podcast now than ever before. I haven’t promoted a single episode since I rebooted it. It seems, if I promote progress, I will get a decent reaction, no matter how often I post. I wonder if I’m so tired now…. I’ll figure it out. I mean, I’ll adjust my schedule, I don’t know, whatever. I want to showcase how funny I am.

This has been a very third eye opening month. A reminder of the dreamer inside of me that has been awake feeling sorry for myself instead of sleeping, granting me visions of a life I could live if I would wake up instead of sleepwalking through life.

As I prime myself to record my last podcast episode of the month I thought I’d create a journal entry before I got started. I’m hoping a gem of an idea will pop at me. We’ll see. I feel really good. I got asked to work five-midnight(in between my two shifts) I said yes. I am working a triple. I am almost half way through. The money from my next check (October eleventh) will pay off my BoA visa & my CapOne. I ordered two thousand business cards today. That feels good. To think, I am on pace, by eighty days of being alcohol free, to have two thousand dollars of debt paid off. Imagine where I will be at one hundred & sixty days alcohol free. I have been astounding as a GM for myself since taking over July twenty fourth. I don’t just pay bills anymore. I manage my money. I have eliminated these debts & paid for iTunes(Soundcloud) & business cards this month, shows a lot. This is something I haven’t been able to accomplish in the three years since I have been back from Syracuse. I am so looking forward future entries. (Particularly October fourteenth & October thirty first)

All of this is exciting. I feel like I am being bar rescued. Now I am going to add Comedy to the mix has got me excited, like the first day of school or christmas. I’m nervous I don’t want to fuck up, but it’s time. My goal is to average once a day for the month of October. My only purpose is to make a new six minute tape to send out for spots. Nothing else matters. Nothing else is important in that realm. MIc it up to get that six. Grab the spots I can get & work. For myself. No one else. Nothing else.

After the podcast take the time to write my outcomes for November first. I will see my horizons have broadened. I will see my depth perception has being stretched far & wide. I will see a brighter future than I did ten weeks ago.

Here I am. It’s thirty days later. Twenty six entries. That’s the most I have done within that time frame, possibly ever. Changes have begun to take place. I accomplished twelve of the nineteen goals that I had on August thirty first. Four of the goals I didn’t accomplish have been habit forming with momentum towards October. But overall the person I am at this moment is in a way better position than I was thirty one days ago.

I haven’t written my outcomes for November first yet. But it seems like I have at least twenty three goals for November first. I am going to go to work now. I am going to write my outcomes & create a plan for achieving my goals. I can’t wait to read this over. Read over this journey.