The Unsaid Crush Spoke

2019 has been a painful year in all the right ways. Growth, evolution, enlightenment should be painful. It should hurt shredding layers of pessimistic resin & rediscovering who I am. The layers are the “years” with a “L.” The “L” being the losses I took throughout the years, not loving myself. I tend to be a person that has more people that want to be my friend than I have actual friends. That’s on me. I’ve built so many walls up for my protection, with the cement of alcohol, that I’ve closed myself off. As the escalator of time inches me closer to 2020, I’m deciding that I may finally accept that friend request from myself. Start with me, progress from there. With a story about a girl, this experience is present to present. What a gift it is to be alive.

It was 2016 when I met her. Unaware of who she would be, the closest her, I have ever met. It was my second day in Syracuse at my second open mic. She peaked my curiosity to record heights as I kept my thoughts & feelings on the down low. For she had a girlfriend. This gave me no need to advertise my affection. Granting me the permission to eliminate my billboards & be myself. It was effortless to share time. Whether it was a conversation, a cigarette, a drink, a bowl, a bump, or by a fire. For four months, I quietly savored every opportunity to exchange my energy for her shared time. How fortunate I was to have a person fill me with opTIMism at just the mere thought of her. As it developed stronger & stronger my unsaid crush remarked, “What a gift it is to be alive at the same time.”

After those four months, I moved back to NYC. I didn’t talk to her as much as I talked about her. We just exchanged sporadic greetings & compliments on what seemed like happier lives. Messages that never developed into the shared time experienced in Syracuse. A year or so passes, as time slips away, my Facebook feed displays the she’s seeing… a guy. A possibility ignored. Instantly, all those scenes of shared time are flooded with the realizations of missed opportunities. All these memories now have an onramp of regret. Advantages I never seized. Miss-takes never taken. A lesson heard. A crush, unsaid. Remembering, what a gift it is to be alive.

As time steps closer to a year & a half later, sporadic greetings became more frequent. Short lived exchanges, that never develop into shared time. I wouldn’t allow them to. What would I say? That moments throughout a day are seasoned with thoughts of her? That every other girl loses in comparison? My unsaid crush has no words, other than, “What a gift it is to be alive at the same time.” Out of the blue, I receive a message about a dream she had of me. It was pretty epic. I took it as a nice fantasy, far from this reality. I found it difficult to ignore the fact, that it is wondrous to dream. A few daze later she graces me with a greeting. I indulge in this exchange with a question, “Outta curiosity, why do you contact me? No wrong answer.”

“Because I think of you.” 
“Or bc I want to.”
“Why don’t you contact me?” 
She marvelously replied.

My unsaid crush cleared it’s throat & finally spoke.

Our first phone conversation lasted three hours. I walked around Manhattan, ignoring the subway, while we communicated, meeting the sun as it awoke. Our shared time was an experience once again. Video chats & greetings of desire blessed me the next four weeks. Every interaction, was an adrenaline shot of an overwhelming being of pure happiness that I thought I would never experience without hallucinogens. She came to NYC for two days. It’s not that I thought it wasn’t happening, I was too consumed by cherishable moments that conquered me by breaking down some of my walls. Sitting on the subway, her legs over mine, her head resting on my shoulder, as her arm reached over to grab the other. Time & space ceased to exist, as all the odes & sonnets became comprehendible. Walking down the sidewalk, arms interlocked, her head on my shoulder, I never thought every single thing could be so right. The more I suppressed them, the more I noticed, my thoughts & feelings were ones I’ve never been acquainted with before. We have never been formally introduced, until now. What a gift it is to be alive.

When it comes to relationships, I’ve had a memorial for any expectations. Just a hope. As I’ve spent the last few years plotting out a burial for my heart that is too scared to love. I wrote her a letter, of my grandest thoughts & feelings, with the intention of, at least, having a broken heart than no heart at all.

I have no regrets as my please for affection look like pleas of desperation to everyone else. I’ve been told I’m intense. I don’t know any other way to be. I live in the present. Hence, I’m in-tense. I have an immense amount of passion I believe you’re supposed to take this energy and pass-i(t)-on. She’s my muse. She’s a why. It’s not like she gave me a reason to live but she’s given me a reason to not die. The album isn’t over but the song remains the same. She polished my inner beauty so I can shine for you. I wish it were more, even though it’s every thing I need. As I journey forward I have this story. I had this time. She’s forever changed me, unlocking codes to love myself again. She garnered me the strength to tear down my walls. What a gift it is to be alive at the same time.

Comedy, my most charismatic defense mechanism, my Tyler Durden. I didn’t discover you. You found me. Together we can inspire a generation. I hope at the end of my set I see the light, that’s inside of all of us. What a gift it is to be alive at the same time. This is something, now, I often think.

The Belt of Orion Emerged

I’ve spent the last four Christmases alone. The last three I’ve tripped. It’s become my way of having Santa & his elves bring me presents of compassion, empathy, understanding & an educational reflection of my inner beauty & mindset.

Previous years I’ve done it on Christmas Eve at the tree in Rockefeller Center. It’s usually righteous. The tree looks nice. The joy on peoples faces are better. Sipping on mint hot chocolate as I wish to see snowflakes descend from the sky like pillow feathers from that drug deal sequence in True Romance, without all the gun fire & cocaine. This year with my job my sleep schedule is all kinda fucked so I slept through Christmas Eve. The plan was now broken, which sometimes a broken plan was the plan the whole time.

I didn’t plan for it but I peaked at sunset & found myself on a bridge in Queens. In the middle of a jam session with laughing, I stopped to stare. Which changed to an admiration. The playlist of New York City played in the background. Some tracks included cars, horns, sirens & the 7 train overhead. My life stood still as every bright color through ROY G BIV decreased in shade until the belt of Orion emerged from the dusk into the sky. The energy frequency was perfection. Not only could I see this frequency as every thing, it asked me to dance while whispering in my ear “it’s all gonna work out. because It always has, you’re still here. Remember, it’s ALL for the best. Why would it be any other way?” As that frequency left me stag on that bridge the gift of the present moment washed over me.

These last couple of months I have found myself hoping & wanting, very close to the waves of desperation. One aspect with a psychedelic experience that I truly cherish & value is when you’re on acid, mushrooms, whatever, all those concerns lose priority & evaporate, like vape smoke dissipating into the air pollution. All of this should be pretty amazing as sold. No need for a money back guarantee. No refunds. No exchanges. Just make the best of it. Why do we need to find the one when we’re all one? Other people are just skin covered energies to make sure we experience seven point five billion plus experiences simultaneously. When it comes to life you have to look at the words in the word. One of the words is lie. The biggest lie in life is that we tell ourselves we’re living. When in fact, from the moment we’re born, every second that goes by is one step closer to death. In the book of life, in between trials & tribulations, are the centerfolds of existence. The true beauty. The illusion that is magic without the tricks. The kind of L.O.V.E. that your spirit/soul masturbates to. It’s all for the best. Why would it be any other way?

When You’re Standing In It

Anyone that knows me knows I have never had the confidence to do this. I don’t know if it’s confidence, happiness or the fact I’m on the back nine of my life & I’m not guaranteed eighteen. This is the best space that I have been in mentally, spiritually, socially, comedically in, at least, the last 5 years. Floating with the sensation of peaking on mushrooms is the only way I can describe my existence at this present time. This hasn’t been easy. It’s been difficult for me to allow others to love me when I haven’t known how to love myself. Within these last few months I have been gifted support of so many people, on & off camera, that see the beauty within myself and are guiding me to become the energy that most people consider me to be.

Over the years a number of people have stopped believing in this franchise. I don’t blame them. I have given plenty of opportunities for people to jump off. There are some that never got on board. I don’t blame them. I didn’t present myself in the best of terms. It’s all on me. There have been times in my life when I have been beyond phenomenal. Some of you remember. That’s why you still have stuck with me throughout it all. I will never let you down again. Words are words. The only thing I can/will do is let my actions speak my truth, my story. I have acquired a standard of commitment not only to/for myself but you & a girl in my life. I obtained the ability to give myself away to everybody all the time. It seems others need it more than I do.

Opportunities. I have had more than I deserve. Second chances. I have had five. I still work towards opportunities I don’t know if I deserve. I just have a hope. We’re not guaranteed tomorrow & the chances I do get to grace a stage, I cherish. It’s an opportunity to share a moment. Which now a days is becoming a valuable commodity. Laughter is amazing. When a person laughs they are completely open. No offense. No defense. That’s a moment one can touch their soul. It’s tremendous. In time, people will see the love & work I have been putting in. My work on stage showcases the work I have been doing off stage. Like, how my outer beauty is a display case for my inner beauty. With the presentations I have given this film called life, I understand why I am where I am. I wouldn’t want it any other way. It has gifted me a perspective that we all have but don’t often voice.

I understand so much of this is billboards for who we are. Universe forbid anyone who gets truly real on these platforms. It seems the etiquette of social media is to share ones life but keep your doubts, fears, insecurities, questions to yourself. Stop raising your fucking hand! Feeling doubt? Share a funny meme or inspirational one. Watch sports stupid! Tom Brady is on! Call someone dumb for not liking the same political villain as you. If they comment something witty back. Block them. You don’t need any negativity on your page. On your birthday ask other people to donate to your favorite charity to show that you care. Those pics of your third marriage look better than the ones from your first marriage. I think you’re starting to get it. Show your kids succeeding. Might as well, the older you get the more your relevancy lives in them. When back in the day becomes back in my day your time is up. The groundwork has been laid out for the generation after yours and you’re realizing y’all didn’t do enough work. It’s a generational crisis. It’s what every generation goes through and will go through. It’s the price we pay when people react to the punchlines while ignoring the premises.

Part of PC culture is that it censors society. We censor expression, we censor feelings. We censor feelings, we censor thought. We censor thoughts a society suppresses and bursts into the political & social climates we have today. As ugly as words/expression/feelings/thoughts seem at most times, there are moments when they are beyond fucking amazing! (Example, inspirational memes.) We’re looking for a perfection that already exists. The challenge is when you’re standing in perfection it’s difficult to look out to see it. There’s no reason to worry. There’s no reason to be in a hurry. The most important race in life has already been won. The sperm that made it to the egg that created you. I’m going to create the artist/person I want to be, flaws & all. Time is forever. We’re not. Never be afraid to Be you. Be L.O.V.E. (Light Of Vibrating Energy.)

I’m here 24/7 for anyone that needs anything.